The remaining work to finish in order to reach your goal,increases as the 
deadline approaches.
^
Adding more manpower to a late software project makes it later.
^
It's morally wrong to allow naive end users to keep their money.
^
When all else fails, read the instructions.
^
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
^
The higher the "higher-ups" are who come to see your demo, the lower 
your chances are of giving a successful one.
^
Every task takes twice as long as you think it will take.  If you double the
the time you think it will take, it will actually take four times as long.
^
There is always one item on the screen menu that is mislabeled and should
read "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE". 
^
A bad sector disk error occurs only after you've done several hours of work 
without performing a backup.
^
No matter how large and standardized the marketplace is, IBM can redefine it.
^
FINAGLE's RULES:
   1) To study an application best, understand it thoroughly before you start.
   2) Always keep a record of data.  It indicates you've been working.
   3) Always draw your curves, then plot the reading.
   4) In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
   5) Program results should always be reproducible.  They should all fail in
      the same way.
   6) Do not believe in miracles.  Rely on them.
^
Blessed is the end user who expects nothing, for he/she will not be 
disappointed.
^
GILB's LAWS OF UNRELIABILITY:
  1) At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
     find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
     the computer.
  2) Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.
  3) Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to detectable
     errors, which by definition are limited.
  4) Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the probable 
     cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some useful work done.
^
The amount of expertise varies in inverse proportion to the number of
statements understood by the general public.
^
Your "IBM PC-compatible" computer grows more incompatible with every passing
moment.
^
HIND'S LAW OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
1) Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2) If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
3) If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
4) Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
5) The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output.
6) Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of the
   programmer who must maintain it.
7) Make it possible for programmers to write in English, and you will find
   that programmers cannot write in English.
^
Inside every large program is a small program struggling to get out.
^
A program generator creates programs that are more "buggy" than the program
generator.
^
There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over.
^
If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will
cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
^
The first 90% of the task takes 90% of the time, and the last 10% of the task
takes the other 90% of the time.
^
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
^
Variables won't, constants aren't.
^
The solution to a problem changes the problem.
^
Inside every complex and unworkable program is a useful routine struggling
to be free.
^
It works better if you plug it in.
^
It works better if you turn it on.
^
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.
^
SNAFU EQUATIONS:
1) Given any problem containing N equations, there will be N+1 unknowns.
2) An object or bit of information most needed will be least available.
3) Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
4) Interchangeable devices won't.
5) In any human endeavor, once you have exhausted all possibilities and fail, 
   there will be one solution, simple and obvious, highly visible to everyone 
   else.
6) Badness comes in waves.
^
If builders built buildings the way programmers write programs, then the first
woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
^
ADAPTATION THEORIES:
1) After months of training and you finally understand all of a program's
   commands, a revised version of the program arrives with an all-new command
   structure.
2) After designing a useful routine that gets around a familiar "bug" in the
   system, the system is revised, the "bug" is taken away, and you're left
   with a useless routine.
3) Efforts in improving a program's "user friendliness" invariably lead to
   work in improving user's "computer literacy".
4) That's not a "bug", that's a feature!
^
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger
can.
^
As soon as a still-to-be-finished computer task becomes a life-or-death 
situation, the power fails.
^
Bug:
	An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect.
The activity of "debugging" or removing bugs from a program ends when people 
get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed.
^
Cache:
	A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one
is supposed to know is there.
^
Documentation:
	Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English-speaking
persons.
^
Hardware:  The parts of a computer that can be kicked.
^
Information processing:
	What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with it
they won't let it be discussed in their presence.
^
Machine-independent program:  A program that will not run on any machine.
^
On-line: The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer.
^
Pascal:  
         A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his
grave if he knew about it.
^
Quality control:
	Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand and
add to the cost of its manufacture or design.
^
Regression analysis:  
        Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are
getting worse.
^
Systems programmer:
	A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with a senior vice 
president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call that you are about 
to receive from your boss.
^
Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
^
Kleptomaniac: A rich thief.
^
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
^
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
^
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly
        as one man.

Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;

Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
^
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
^
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.
^
The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from the works
of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject
with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human
knowledge.
^
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
^
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
^
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
they are in the market.
^
Once, adv.: Enough.
^
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
^
Positive: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.
^
It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
^
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
        1)  The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
            straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
            force is technically termed "car suck").
        2)  Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
            than "Watch this!"
^
Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the
on roof and gets stuck.
^
Hofstadter's Law:
        It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
        Hofstadter's Law into account.
^
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
                -- Andrew W. Mathis
^
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
                -- Roy Santoro
^
Main's Law:
        For every action there is an equal and opposite government
        program.
^
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
^
Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
        It's on the other side.
^
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
        1)  Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
            check.
        2)  A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
        3)  There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
            attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
            attracted to dark objects.
^
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
                -- Noelie Altito
^
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
^
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
                -- Marguerite Emmons
^
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
^
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
^
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
        The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
        to.....to........uh..............
^
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
^
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
^
"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means."
                -- Walt Kelly
^
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction.
On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is
also a psychological interaction.
The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so friendly.
The crucial point is if you can tell which is which.
^
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
^
A penny saved is ridiculous.
^
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left handed people are in their right mind.
^
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you.  The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
^
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
^
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
^
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
^
Bank error in your favor.  Collect $200.
^
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
^
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
^
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
^
To be is to do.
        -- I. Kant
To do is to be.
        -- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
        -- F. Flinstone
God is Dead
        -- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
        -- God
Nietzsche is God
        -- Dead
^
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
^
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
^
Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs.
^
May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones.
^
May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts
^
May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a
Thousand Caramels.
^
In the days of old,
When Knights were bold,
        And women were too cautious;
Oh, those gallant days,
When women were women,
        And men were really obnoxious...
^
If anything can go wrong, it will.
^
$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
^
If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their
Heads.
If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire.
If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet.
If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit
Ears.
^
The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive.

However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours by
judging things by their price.
^
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
                -- the Peter Principle
Pohl's law: Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate
it.
^
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
^
A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
                -- Ambrose Bierce
^
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
^
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!?  Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
                -- Walt Kelley
^
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
^
Anything worth doing is worth overdoing
^
Dentist: A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls
coins out of one's pockets.
                -- Ambrose Bierce
^
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
^
Every solution breeds new problems.
^
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
ingenious.
^
O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law:
        "Murphy was an optimist."
^
Boling's postulate:
        If you're feeling good, don't worry.  You'll get over it.
^
Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked
something.
^
If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody
will.
^
Scott's first Law:
        No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.
Scott's second Law:
        When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found
        to have been wrong in the first place.
Corollary:
        After the correction has been found in error, it will be
        impossible to fit the original quantity back into the
        equation.
^
Finagle's first Law:
        If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's second Law:
        No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be
        someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c)
        believe it happened according to his own pet theory.
Finagle's third Law:
        In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
        beyond all need of checking, is the mistake
Corollaries:
        1.  Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
        2.  The first person who stops by, whose advice you really
            don't want to hear, will see it immediately.
Finagle's fourth Law:
        Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
        makes it worse.
^
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
^
Issawi's Laws of Progress:

        The Course of Progress:
                Most things get steadily worse.

        The Path of Progress:
                A shortcut is the longest distance between two points.
^
Simon's Law:
        Everything put together falls apart sooner or later.
^
Ginsberg's Theorem:
        1.  You can't win.
        2.  You can't break even.
        3.  You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:

        Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
        meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
        Theorem.  To wit:

        1.  Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
        2.  Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
            even.
        3.  Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
            game.
^
Ehrman's Commentary:
        1.  Things will get worse before they get better.
        2.  Who said things would get better?
^
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
^
Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
        Negative expectations yield negative results.
        Positive expectations yield negative results.
^
Howe's Law:
        Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
^
Sturgeon's Law:
        90% of everything is crud.
^
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
        Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
        probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
        some useful work done.
^
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
^
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
        Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
        vividly manifests their lack of progress.
^
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
        There's always one more bug.
^
Shaw's Principle:
        Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
        want to use it.
^
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
        You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the
        bread to butter.
^
Law of Selective Gravity:
        An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Jenning's Corollary:
        The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is
        directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.
^
Paul's Law:
        You can't fall off the floor.
^
Johnson's First Law:
        When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the
        most inconvenient possible time.
^
Watson's Law:
        The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the
        number and significance of any persons watching it.
^
Sattinger's Law:
        It works better if you plug it in.
^
Lowery's Law:
        If it jams -- force it.  If it breaks, it needed replacing
        anyway.
^
Fudd's First Law of Opposition:
        Push something hard enough and it will fall over.
^
Cahn's Axiom:
        When all else fails, read the instructions.
^
Jenkinson's Law:
        It won't work.
^
Murphy's Law of Research:
        Enough research will tend to support your theory.
^
Maier's Law:
        If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be
        disposed of.

Corollaries:
        1.  The bigger the theory, the better.
        2.  The experiment may be considered a success if no more than
            50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to
            obtain a correspondence with the theory.
^
Williams and Holland's Law:
        If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
        statistical methods.
^
Harvard Law:
        Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
        temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
        organism will do as it damn well pleases.
^
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
        Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
        out.
^
Brooke's Law:
        Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
        discovers something which either abolishes the system or
        expands it beyond recognition.
^
Meskimen's Law:
        There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to
        do it over.
^
Heller's Law:
        The first myth of management is that it exists.

Johnson's Corollary:
        Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the
        organization.
^
Peter's Law of Substitution:
        Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
        themselves.
^

Parkinson's Fourth Law:
        The number of people in any working group tends to increase
        regardless of the amount of work to be done.
^
Parkinson's Fifth Law:
        If there is a way to delay in important decision, the good
        bureaucracy, public or private, will find it.
^
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
        People are always available for work in the past tense.
^
Iron Law of Distribution:
        Them that has, gets.
^
H. L. Mencken's Law:
        Those who can -- do.
        Those who can't -- teach.
	Those who never could --write.
^
Martin's Extension:
        Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
^
Jone's Law:
        The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone
        to blame it on.
^
Rule of Feline Frustration:
        When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
        content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
        bathroom.
^
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by
blowing first.
^
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
^
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
^
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks)
are to be treated as variables.
^
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
^
First Law of Bicycling:
        No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the
        wind.
^
Boob's Law:
        You always find something in the last place you look.
^
Osborn's Law:
        Variables won't; constants aren't.
^
Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor):
        That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to,
        or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you
        should have gotten.
^
Miksch's Law:
        If a string has one end, then it has another end.
^
Law of Communications:
        The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
        between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
        area of misunderstanding.
^
Harris's Lament:
        All the good ones are taken.
^
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
                -- Harry S Truman
^
Putt's Law:
        Technology is dominated by two types of people:
            Those who understand what they do not manage.
            Those who manage what they do not understand.
^
First Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility
        for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who
        imposed the deadline).
Fifth Law of Procrastination:
        Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
        there is nothing important to do.
^
Swipple's Rule of Order:
        He who shouts the loudest has the floor.
^
Wiker's Law:
        Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
^
Gray's Law of Programming:
        'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same
        time as 'n' tasks.

Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
        'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks.
^
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
        The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
        the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
        percent.
^
Weinberg's First Law:
        Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Second Law:
        If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
        then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
        civilization.
^
Paul's Law:
        In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you
        save.
^
Malek's Law:
        Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
^
Weinberg's Principle:
        An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while
        sweeping on to the grand fallacy.
^
Barth's Distinction:
        There are two types of people:  those who divide people into
        two types, and those who don't.
^
Weiler's Law:
        Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
        himself.
^
First Law of Socio-Genetics:
        Celibacy is not hereditary.
^
Beifeld's Principle:
        The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and
        receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when
        he is already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3)
        a better looking and richer male friend.
^
Hartley's Second Law:
        Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.
^
Pardo's First Postulate:
        Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
        Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
        rats.
^
Parker's Law:
        Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
^
Captain Penny's Law:
        You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
        the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
^
Katz' Law:
        Man and nations will act rationally when all other
        possibilities have been exhausted.
^
Mr. Cole's Axiom:
        The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the
        population is growing.
^
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
        Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
        another drink.
^
The Kennedy Constant:
        Don't get mad -- get even.
^
Canada Bill Jone's Motto:
        It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money.

Supplement:
        A .44 magnum beats four aces.
^
Jone's Motto:
        Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
^
The Fifth Rule:
        You have taken yourself too seriously.
^
Cole's Law:
        Thinly sliced cabbage.
^
Hartley's First Law:
        You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
        on his back, you've got something.
^
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
        No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
        legislature is in session.
^
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
        Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
        time he will pick himself up and continue on.
^
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
        A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.
^
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
        Don't worry if it doesn't work right.  If everything did, you'd
        be out of a job.
^
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
^
A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody
wants to read.
                -- Mark Twain
^
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you.  This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
                -- Mark Twain
^
Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education.
                -- Mark Twain
^
"...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
picturesque liar."
                -- Mark Twain
^
Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
        All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
        The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
        cork makes when it is popped.
^
Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
        The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
        Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
        is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city
        can never hope to acquire it.
^
Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the
beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get
out, and such as are out wish to get in?
                -- Ralph Emerson
The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue,
a custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to
the contrary, nohow.
^
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
        1) If it should exist, it doesn't.
        2) If it does exist, it's out of date.
        3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
            first two laws.
^
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
        Experience is directly proportional to the amount of
        equipment ruined.
^
Boren's Laws:
        1)  When in charge, ponder.
        2)  When in trouble, delegate.
        3)  When in doubt, mumble.
^
Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law:
        When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will.
^
Rudin's Law:
        If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will
        do it every time.
^
Bucy's Law:
        Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.
^
Hacker's Law:
        The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir
        a nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
^
Vail's Second Axiom:
        The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the
        amount of work already completed.
^
Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off
^
Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax.
^
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because
if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
                -- Dolph Sharp
^
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and commonly
thrust into somebody's pocket.
^
You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for
freedom and liberty.
                -- Henrick Ibson
^
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
Yield to Temptation...it may not pass your way again.
                -- Lazarus Long
^
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
^
Never call a man a fool.  Borrow from him.
^
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
^
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
^
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.
^
Stop searching.  Happiness is right next to you.  Now, if they'd only
take a bath...
^
"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both
eyes..."
^
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the
flag.
^
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
^
SHIFT TO THE LEFT!  SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
^
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the
average man can see better than he can think.
^
Afternoon very favorable for romance.  Try a single person for a
change.
^
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
^
Green light in A.M. for new projects.  Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
^
Artistic ventures highlighted.  Rob a museum.
^
Keep emotionally active.  Cater to your favorite neurosis.
^
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient.  Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
^
Do not drink coffee in early A.M.  It will keep you awake until noon.
^
You may be recognized soon.  Hide.
^
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes.  You'll learn a lot
today.
^
Good day for overcoming obstacles.  Try a steeplechase.
^
Day of inquiry.  You will be subpoenaed.
^
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
^
Surprise your boss.  Get to work on time.
^
You're being followed.  Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
^
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
^
Future looks spotty.  You will spill soup in late evening.
^
Don't feed the bats tonight.
^
Stay away from flying saucers today.
^
You've been leading a dog's life.  Stay off the furniture.
^
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
^
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
^
Succumb to natural tendencies.  Be hateful and boring.
^
Half Moon tonight.  (At least its better than no Moon at all.)
^
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
^
Message will arrive in the mail.  Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
^
Do what comes naturally now.  Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
^
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
^
Be free and open and breezy!  Enjoy!  Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
^
Truth will be out this morning.  (Which may really mess things up.)
^
Travel important today;  Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
^
Good day for a change of scene.  Repaper the bedroom wall.
^
You can create your own opportunities this week.  Blackmail a senior
executive.
^
Fine day to throw a party.  Throw him as far as you can.
^
Good news.  Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
^
Think of your family tonight.  Try to crawl home after the
computer crashes.
^
Show respect for age.  Drink good Scotch for a change.
^
Give thought to your reputation.  Consider changing name and moving to
a new town.
^
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
tomorrow!
^
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
^
You worry too much about your job.  Stop it.  You are not paid enough
to worry.
^
Don't tell any big lies today.  Small ones can be just as effective.
^
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
^
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
^
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
^
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be.  Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
^
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery
of another.
^
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
^
Question:
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
^
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
^
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
^
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
                -- Jerome Lettvin
^
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
writing.
                -- R. Geis
^
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems.  It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
                -- D. J. Hicks
^
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is
none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but."
Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period.
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you
talked about.
                -- Lazarus Long
^
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
                -- Peter S. Beagle
^
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
^
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
^
Wasting time is an important part of living.
^
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders
has been discontinued.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
life.
^
Excellent day for drinking heavily.  Spike office water cooler.
^
Excellent time to become a missing person.
^
A day for firm decisions!!!!!  Or is it?
^
Fine day to work off excess energy.  Steal something heavy.
^
Spend extra time on hobby.  Get plenty of rolling papers.
^
Things will be bright in P.M.  A cop will shine a light in your face.
^
Good day to avoid cops.  Crawl to school.
^
Screw up your courage!  You've screwed up everything else.
^
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
^
Do something unusual today.  Pay a bill.
^
You will be a winner today.  Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
^
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
^
Surprise due today.  Also the rent.
^
Avoid reality at all costs.
^
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
^
Next Friday will not be your lucky day.  As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
^
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
^
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
^
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
^
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year.  Take an elephant to lunch.
^
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
^
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
^
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
^
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
^
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
^
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
^
Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest.
^
Old soldiers never die.  Young ones do.
^
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
^
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily canceled.
^
Drive defensively.  Buy a tank.
^
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
^
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
^
Condense soup, not books!
^
The world is coming to an end!  Repent and return those library books!
^
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersy.
^
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
^
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
^
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
^
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
^
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
^
Keep America beautiful.  Swallow your beer cans.
^
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
^
Hire the morally handicapped.
^
I can resist anything but temptation.
^
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
^
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
^
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
^
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
^
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
        Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
^
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
^
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
^
"All flesh is grass"
    -- Isiah
Smoke a friend today.
^
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
^
George Orwell was an optimist.
^
Chicken Little was right.
^
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
^
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
^
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
^
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
^
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra!  Ra!  Ra!
^
Brain fried -- Core dumped
^
Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
^
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at
once.
^
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger
hands.
^
^
What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel.
^
Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying "BOOGA, BOOGA!"
^
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
^
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano...
^
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33.  1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
^
Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.
                -- Salvor Hardin
^
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything?  It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
^
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away
from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone
loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
^
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
^
Ban the bomb.  Save the world for conventional warfare.
^
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down
^
Down with categorical imperative!
^
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends
^
Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string.
^
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
^
Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs.
^
Lysistrata had a good idea.
^
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
^
Paul Revere was a tattle-tale
^
Familiarity breeds attempt
^
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
bomb.
^
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
^
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
^
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach.  In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
^
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
^
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
^
God is a polythiest
^
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
^
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
^
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
ourselves.
^
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
^
"Might as well be frank, monsieur.  It would take a miracle to get you
out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles."
^
Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes
to work.
^
"That must be wonderful!  I don't understand it at all."
^
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters' picnic.
^
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
                -- Albert Einstein
^
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.
                -- R. Geis
^
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and
if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't.  That's logic!"
                -- Lewis Carroll
^
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
                -- Hawkwind
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
^
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
                -- Albert Einstein
^
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
harder.
                -- Pope John Paul I
^
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
                -- Clint Eastwood
^
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
^
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
^
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
^
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
^
IBM had a PL/I,
        Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
        It was a total loss.
System/3!  System/3!
See how it runs!  See how it runs!
        Its monitor loses so totally!
        It runs all its programs in RPG!
        It's made by our favorite monopoly!
System/3!
^
"Beware the software rot, my son!
^
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
^
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
^
The frumious system crash!"
^
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
^
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
^
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite
series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunatenough to ask for the
information in the first place."
^
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive
^
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
^
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
^
Accuracy: The vice of being right
^
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
coughing."
^
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
^
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
                -- Thomas Jefferson
^
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
example.
                -- La Rouchefoucauld
^
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
^
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
                -- Peggy Joyce
^
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
                -- Charlie McCarthy
^
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
                -- John O'Hara
^
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
^
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
shoes.
                -- Mickey Mouse
^
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
^
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
pedestrians.
^
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
^
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
                -- Don Quinn
^
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
                -- Mark Twain
^
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
^
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
^
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
^
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
                -- Fred Allen
^
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
^
Children are natural mimic who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
^
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
^
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
                -- Herbert Prochnow
^
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
elsewhere."
^
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the false assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
^
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played.  There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
                -- H. L. Mencken
^
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking
                -- H. L. Mencken
^
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his
breath is called the listener.
^
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
                -- Clarence Darrow
^
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
eat.
                -- John McNulty
^
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
^
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
                -- G. B. Shaw
^
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
                -- Senator Soaper
^
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
                -- Elbert Hubbard
^
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
^
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
^
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
                -- Bellamy Brooks
^
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
^
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
                -- F. P. Jones
^
"It's Fabulous!  We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
hour!"
                -- Macy's
^
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
^
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
^
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
                -- Oscar Wilde
^
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
^
Silverman's Law:
        If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
^
Hindsight is an exact science.
^
Ducharme's Precept:
        Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
^
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
^
Naeser's Law:
        You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
        damnfoolproof.
^
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down.  If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down.  If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
                -- Reverend Chichester
^
The Third Law of Photography:
        If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
        when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
        the dark leaks out.
^
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
        If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
        it wasn't worth doing.
^
Conway's Law:
        In any organization there will always be one person who knows
        what is going on.

        This person must be fired.
^
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
^
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
^
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
doing.
^
Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.  Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
^
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
^
DeVries' Dilemma:
        If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
        hits the paper.
^
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
^
Finagle's Creed:
        Science is true.  Don't be misled by facts.
^
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
        1.  If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
            once.
        2.  If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data
            points.
^
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
        Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
        reject the proposal.
^
Jones' First Law:
        Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
        endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an
        obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the
        importance of their original contribution.
^
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
        Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
        handle.
^
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
^
Horngren's Observation:
        Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
^
First Rule of History:
        History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each
        other.
^
Hanlon's Razor:
        Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by
        stupidity.
^
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
        The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
        instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
^
Corollary:
        Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do
        except study for that instructor's course.
^
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
        If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
Corollary:
        If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
        live.
^
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
^
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
^
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.  The label means the
price went up.  The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
^
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
        If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
        $19.95.
^
Van Roy's Law:
        An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
^
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
on.
^
Arthur's Laws of Love:
        1.  People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
            remind them of someone else.
        2.  The love letter you finally got the courage to send will
            be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
            of yourself in person.
^
Colvard's Logical Premises:
        All probabilities are 50%.  Either a thing will happen or
        it won't.
^
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
        This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
        attracted to.
^
Grelb's Commentary
        Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
^
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
        Superiority is recessive.
^
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you.  They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
^
Ducharm's Axiom:
        If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
        yourself as part of the problem.
^
A Law of Computer Programming:
        Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
        will find the programmers cannot write in English.
^
Turnaucka's Law:
        The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
        electrical cord.
^
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
^
Bradley's Bromide:
        If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
        committee -- that will do them in.
^
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
^
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage.  But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow enobled and none dare criticize it.
^
Old programmers never die.  They just branch to a new address.
^
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
                -- Groucho Marx
^
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
                -- Groucho Marx
^
Eggheads unite!  You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
                -- Adlai Stevenson
^
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
                -- John Ciardi
^
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
^
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
                -- Jules de Gaultier
^
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of
indigestion.
^
Justice: A decision in your favor.
^
Kin: An affliction of the blood
^
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
^
^
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
^
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
^
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
^
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
                -- Mark Twain
^
Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called
upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason.
                -- Oscar Wilde
^
Menu: A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of
^
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
^
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
                -- Ambrose Bierce
^
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
                -- Anatole France
^
BLISS is ignorance
^
God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh
^
The Briggs - Chase Law of Program Development:
        To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
        program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
        one, and convert to the next higher units.
^
Predestination was doomed from the start.
^
Duct tape is like the force.  It has a light side, and a dark side, and
it holds the universe together...
                -- Carl Zwanzig
^
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
^
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
^
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
^
Love is sentimental measles.
^
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
^
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
^
I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do
was to go away.
^
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
headed.
^
"All my friends and I are crazy.  That's the only thing that keeps us
sane."
^
"If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is
make the rubble bounce"
                -- Winston Churchill
^
But scientists, who ought to know
Assure us that it must be so.
Oh, let us never, never doubt
What nobody is sure about.
                -- Hilaire Belloc
^
The three laws of thermodynamics:

The First Law:  You can't get anything without working for it.
The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
                even.
The Third Law:  You can only break even at absolute zero.
^
Famous last words:
        1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
        2) "You and what army?"
        3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
            a cop."
^
Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
        Thy programs run, thy syscalls done,
        in kernel as it is in user!
^
Nothing is faster than the speed of light...
To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before
the light comes on.
^
        AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive.  You lie
a great deal.  On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and
impractical, causing you to make the same mistakes over and over
again.  People think you are stupid.
^
        PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by
the CIA or FBI.  You have minor influence over your associates and
people resent your flaunting of your power.  You lack confidence and
you are generally a coward.  Pisces people do terrible things to small
animals.
^
        ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19)
You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt.  You are
quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice.  You are not very
nice.
^
        TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
You are practical and persistent.  You have a dogged determination and
work like hell.  Most people think you are stubborn and bull headed.
You are a Communist.
^
        GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because you
are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing
incest.
^
        CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems.  They
think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.  That's why
you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare recipients are
Cancer people.
^
        LEO (July 23 - Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader.  Others think you are pushy.  Most
Leo people are bullies.  You are vain and dislike honest criticism.
Your arrogance is disgusting.  Leo people are thieves.
^
        VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder.  This nitpicking is
sickening to your friends.  You are cold and unemotional and sometimes
fall asleep while making love.  Virgos make good bus drivers.
^
        LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality.  If
you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for employment
and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are prostitutes.
All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
^
        SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21)
You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted.  You will achieve the
pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics.  Most Scorpio
people are murdered.
^
        SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic.  You have a reckless tendency to
rely on luck since you lack talent.  The majority of Sagittarians are
drunks or dope fiends or both.  People laugh at you a great deal.
^
        CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks.  You don't do much of
anything and are lazy.  There has never been a Capricorn of any
importance.  Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as
they take root and become trees.
^
Insanity is hereditary.  You get it from your kids.
^
USER n.: A programmer who will believe anything you tell him.
^
Worst Month of the Year: February.  February has only 28 days in it,
which means that if you rent an apartment, you are paying for three
full days you don't get.  Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible.
Worst Vegetable of the Year: The brussels sprout.  This is also the
worst vegetable of next year.
^
Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black.  Simply remove all the
little colored stickers on the cube, and each of side of the cube will
now be the original color of the plastic underneath -- black.
According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
^
Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: August.  The lines are the
shortest, though.
^
Computer programmers do it byte by byte
^
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
                -- Eleanor Roosevelt
^
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
^
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those
Californians trying to share the experience.
^
Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time
to reform.
                -- Mark Twain
^
There cannot be a crisis next week.  My schedule is already full.
                -- Henry Kissinger
^
Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong.
                --Oscar Wilde
^
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
                -- Oscar Wilde
^
About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the
ends.
                -- Herbert Hoover
^
There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and
that is not being talked about.
                -- Oscar Wilde
^
It's not that I'm afraid to die.  I just don't want to be there when it
happens.
                -- Woody Allen.
^
The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more
annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation.
                -- Oscar Wilde
^
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.
                -- Joe Walsh
^
43rd Law of Computing:
        Anything that can go wr
^
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
^
Kinkler's Second Law:
        All the easy problems have been solved.
^
"Why be a man when you can be a success?"
                -- Bertold Brecht
^
"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
^
How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None.  The Universe spines the bulb, and the Zen master stays out of
the way.
^
University: Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's
usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to
fix it, and ...
^
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll fix it in software."
^
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "We'll document it in the manual."
^
How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb?
None: "The user can work it out."
^
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
^
Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits.
^
It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct
one.
^
If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some.
^
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
^
Every program has (at least) two purposes: the one for which it was
written and another for which it wasn't.
^
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake
him up.
^
Optimization hinders evolution.
^
A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is
not worth knowing.
^
Everyone can be taught to sculpt:  Michelangelo would have had to be
taught how not to.  So it is with the great programmers.
^
Re graphics:  A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to
describe the picture.  Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately
described with pictures.
^
There are two ways to write error-free programs.  Only the third one
works.
^
As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such things as a free
variable."
^
The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland";
but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman.
^
Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may
revitalize the corner saloon.
^
Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but
nothing of interest is easy.
^
A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of
nothing.
^
It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice
versa.
^
In English, every word can be verbed.  Would that it were so in our
programming languages.
^
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language.  Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
^
Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is
meant to be discarded:  That the whole point is to always see it as a
soap bubble?
^
A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe
in God.
^
When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only
say what I wish done," give him a lollipop.
^
Dealing with failure is easy:  Work hard to improve.  Success is also
easy to handle:  You've solved the wrong problem.  Work hard to
improve.
^
One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
^
Think of it!  With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.!
^
Why did the Roman Empire collapse?  What is the Latin for office
automation?
^
If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams.
^
Be different: conform.
^
Save energy: be apathetic.
^
I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.
                -- Kehlog Albran
^
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
^
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
^
The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing
more important to do.
^
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
^
All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own
importance.
^
If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without
having to accomplish anything.
^
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
^
No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas.
^
The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at
least until we've finished building it.
^
It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles.
^
Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately,
no one we know belongs.
^
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
^
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
^
Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
^
There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know
nothing about.
^
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
^
It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.
^
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
^
If only I could be respected without having to be respectable.
^
Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
                -- Andrew Young
^
The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important
point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly
important thing to people.
                -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King
^
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
                -- Gloria Steinem
^
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.
^
Nobody wants constructive criticism.  It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
^
History repeats itself.  That's one thing wrong with history.
^
Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get
another chance later on.
^
Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to
make it complex and wonderful.
^
A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
exam.
^
Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you
just how busy they are.
^
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad its not a
fence.
^
The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever...and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
^
One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet
when well oiled.
^
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
^
Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is
when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation.
^
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
^
Behold the warranty...the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh
away.
^
Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid
back.
^
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
^
One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh
paint.
^
Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a
crack in your sidewalk?
^
Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
^
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
^
Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell
all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds.
^
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls...if thou art in the bathtub,
it tolls for thee.
^
One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him.
^
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and
the real reason.
^
Show me a man who is a good loser and i'll show you a man who is
playing golf with his boss.
^
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulegnia that it's time to get up.
^
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every
word you say, talk in your sleep.
^
X-rated movies are all alike...the only thing they leave to the
imagination is the plot.
^
People usually get what's coming to them...unless it's been mailed.
^
Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune
tellers take economists seriously?
^
Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else --
unless it is an enemy.
                -- A. Einstein
^
There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
inexplicable."

There is another theory that states: "This has already happened...."
^
Rule of Defactualization:
        Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
^
Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers:
        If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as
        if he had lost his senses.  When he looks down, paraphrase the
        question back at him.
^
Anthony's Law of Force:
        Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
^
Ray's Rule of Precision:
        Measure with a micrometer.  Mark with chalk.  Cut with an axe.
^
Rule of Creative Research:
        1) Never draw what you can copy.
        2) Never copy what you can trace.
        3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down.
^
Barach's Rule:
        An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own
        physician.
^
Lackland's Laws:
        1.  Never be first.
        2.  Never be last.
        3.  Never volunteer for anything
^
Tussman's Law:
        Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
^
Oliver's Law:
        Experience is something you don't get until just after you need
        it.
^
Mitchell's Law of Committees:
        Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are
        held to discuss it.
^
Baruch's Observation:
        If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
^
Anthony's Law of the Workshop:
        Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible
        corner of the workshop.

Corollary:
        On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike
        your toes.
^
Second Law of Business Meetings:
        If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you
        will pick the wrong one.

Corollary:
        If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it
        wrong, anyway.
^
Grelb's Reminder:
        Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above
        average drivers.
^
Grandpa Charnock's Law:
        You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
^
Rule of the Great:
        When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
        thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
^
Lieberman's Law:
        Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
^
Goldenstern's Rules:
        1.  Always hire a rich attorney
        2.  Never buy from a rich salesman.
^
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
        There are no answers, only cross references.
^
Brook's Law:
        Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
^
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
        Murphy was an optimist.
^
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
                -- Hal Hickman
^
Politicians do it to everyone.
^
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
^
Communists do it without class.
^
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
^
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
^
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
^
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
^
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
^
Beckhap's Law:
        Beauty times brains equals a constant.
^
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
        Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:  it
        stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
^
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose.
^
"'Scuze me while I kiss the sky" -- Jimi Hendrix
^
"...and she's buying a stairway to Heaven." -- Led Zeppelin
^
"...and your little dog, too !!"
^
"<--<< This way to the egress" -- P. T. Barnum
^
"     " -- Charlie Chaplin|"     " -- Harpo Marx|"     " -- Marcel Marceau|"Ack, phfftt" -- Bill the Cat
^
"A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed.
Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid."
                       "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" -- Genesis
^
"A waste is a terrible thing to mind." -- Custodians of Love Canal
^
"AAALLLL-VVIIIINNNNN!" -- David Seville|"o-KAY, Dave!" -- Alvin the Chipmunk
^
"Ah, yes, 'Sparkling Muscatel', one of the fine wines of Idaho!"
^
"All the world's indeed a stage, and we are merely players,
performers and portrayers.  Each another's audience outside
the gilded cage." -- Rush
^
"And if we tell you the name of the game, boy,
we call it 'Riding the Gravy Train'"
^
"And in the master's chambers, they gather for big feast.
They stab it with their steely knives,
but they just can't kill the beast." -- Don Henley
^
"And so it was, later, as the miller told his tale,
that her face, at first just ghostly,
turned a whiter shade of pale" -- Procol Harum
^
"And that's another goal for the Long John Silver Impersonators!"
^
"And there's a crowd of young boys, they're fooling around in the corner.
Joking, dressed in their best brown baggies and their platform soles.
They don't give a damn about any trumpet-playing band;
it ain't what they call rock and roll." -- Dire Straits
^
"And, in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make."
^
"Another toy that helped destroy the elder race of man?
 ...forget about your silly whim; it doesn't fit the plan." -- Rush
^
"Are you a good witch or a bad witch?"
^
"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?"
"No, M'am.  Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat."
^
"Art, I'll take 'Phoenician Architecture' for 100, please."
^
"At the back of the roadhouse they've got some bungalows...
and that's for the people who like to go down slow...
let it roll, baby, roll ... all night long." -- Jim Morrison
^
"Ba, ba, ba ... ba, Barbara Anne ..."
^
"Breathe deep the gathering gloom.
Watch lights fade from every room.
Bed-sitter people look back and lament;
another day's useless energies spent.
 
Empassioned lovers wrestle as one.
Lonely man cries for love and has none.
New mother picks up and suckles her son.
Senior citizens wish they were young.
 
Cold-hearted orb that rules the night;
removes the colors from our sight.
Red is grey and yellow white.
But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion."
                            ("Days of Future Passed", The Moody Blues)
^
"Bus stop rat bag: hah, hah!  Charade you are..." -- Pink Floyd
^
"But I don't want to go on the cart..."
 "Oh, don't be such a baby!"|"But I'm feeling much better..."
 "No you're not...in a moment you'll be stone dead!"
^
"Bye-bye, Miss American Pie.  Drove my Chevy to the levee,
but the levee was dry.  Them good old boys were drinkin'
whiskey and rye, sayin' 'This will be the day that I die.'" - Don MacLean
^
"Can't keep my mind from the circling sky.
Tongue-tied and twisted, just an earthbound misfit, I."
                                  -- "Learning to Fly", Pink FLoyd --
^
"Change your life!  Change your socks!
Change yourself into a 9 year-old Hindu boy!"
^
"Dear Mr. Fantasy, play us a tune,
something to make us all happy.
Do anything, take us out of this gloom.
Sing a song, play guitar, make it snappy."
^
"Do yew have a ly-sanz fer yer minkee?" -- Inspector J. Clouseau
^
"Don't Panic" -- The Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy
^
"Don't lean on me, man, 'cuz you couldn't get a ticket
back from Suffragette City" -- David Bowie
^
"Don't wanna cause a big s-s-sensation,
just talkin' 'bout my g-g-generation." -- The Who
^
"Don't worry.  We're on a mission from God." -- The Blues Brothers
^
"Enjoy life!  Eat out more often!" -- S.E. Rykoff (Restaurant Supplies)
^
"Everything under the sun is in tune, 
but the sun is eclipsed by the moon."
^
"Evolution, revolution, birth control, sell your soul.
Shooting rockets to the moon, kids growing up too soon.
And the politicians say that more taxes will solve everything...
... ... and the band played on."  --  "Ball of Confusion"
^
"Far away, across the fields, the tolling of the iron bell
draws the faithful to their knees, with its softly spoken magic spell"
                                             Pink Floyd
                                            "Dark Side of the Moon"
^
"Faster than a speeding bullet; more powerful than a locomotive;
able to leap tall buildings in a single bound!  Look, up in the sky!
It's a bird!  It's a plane!  It's ........ SUPERMAN!"
^
"Go to the bedroom.  In the suitcase on the left you'll
find my favorite axe.  Don't look so frightened, this is
just a passing phase: one of my bad days..."
                                  Pink Floyd ("The Wall")
^
"Got a monkey on my back; a muh-muh-muh-muh-monkey on my
back-back, back-back ...
...nuh-nuh-nuh, nuh-nuh-nobody's fault but mine" -- Led Zeppelin
^
"Hail, hail, rock and roll." -- Chuck Berry
^
"Hairy fishnuts?" -- Opus
^
"He's spending a year dead for tax purposes." -- Hotblack Desiato's
                                                bodyguard
^
"Hey, hey, my, my.  Rock and roll will never die.
There's more to the picture than meets the eye ...
hey, hey, my, my." -- Neil Young
^
"He played a mean guitar ... loved to drive in his Jag-u-ar"
^
"He slimed me." -- Dr. Peter (Bill Murray) Vennkman
^
"Helllooo, BAAYYbee ... yeah, this is the Big Bopper speakin'"
^
"Hello, hello, hello ... is there anybody IN there?
Just nod if you can hear me.  Is there anyone at home?
Come on, come on, now, I hear you're feeling down.
But I can ease your pain, get you on your feet again.
Relax, relax, relax ... I need some information first.
Just the basic facts, can you show me where it hurts?" -- Pink Floyd
^
"Here's to health, here's to wealth; may you never
doubt yourself .. just another ordinary man." -- Triumph
^
"Hey-AY!! Take it easy, Ralphie-boy!!" -- Ed Norton
^
"Hi, I'm Larry. This is my brother Darryl,
and this is my other brother Darryl."
^
"Holy Dilemma!  Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the
Boy Wonder?  Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh?
Tune in again tomorrow: same Bat-time, same Bat-channel!"
^
"How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat?"
^
"I FEEL GOOD!" -- James Brown
^
"I am Number Two."    "WHO IS NUMBER ONE?...."    "You are Number Six."
"I AM NOT A NUMBER!  I AM A FREE MAN!" -- The Prisoner
^
"I have become comfortably numb." -- Pink Floyd
^
"I like smoke and lightning, heavy-metal thunder,
racing with the wind, and the feeling that I'm under."
^
"I love rock and roll, so put another dime in the jukebox, baby." -- Joan Jett
^
"I never saw the good side of the city
'til I hitched a ride on a riverboat queen.
Big wheels keep on turnin'.  Proud Mary keep on burnin'.
Rollin', rollin', rollin' on the river." -- John Fogarty (C.C.R.)
^
"I walk 47 miles of barbed wire, I've got a cobra snake for a necktie.
I've got a brand new house along the roadside, and it's
made out of rattlesnake hide..." -- George Thorogood
^
"I was born with a plastic spoon in my mouth.
The north side of my town faced east and the east was facing south." -- The Who
^
"I'll drink your health; share your wealth;
run your life; steal your wife ...
... you can call this song 'The United States Blues'." -- The Grateful Dead
^
"I'm a DOCTOR, Jim, not a biochemical neuroprotein physiologist!"
^
"I'm a space cowboy.  Bet you weren't ready for that.
I'm a space cowboy.  I'm sure you know where it's at.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." -- Steve Miller
^
"If they find you in the back seat trying to pick her locks,
they're gonna send you back to mother in a cardboard box."
^
"If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice." -- Rush
^
"It slices! It dices! It makes mounds and mounds
of mouth-watering coleslaw!"
^
"It took me by surprise, I must say,
when I found out yesterday;
don't you know that I heard it through the grapevine." -- Marvin Gaye
^
"James Dean.  James Dean.  Bought it sight-unseen.
Too fast to live, too young to die: bye-bye." -- The Eagles
^
"Just think: here we are, the afternoon sun beating down on us,
a dead, bloated rhino underfoot and friends flying in from all over.
I tell you, Ed, these are the best of times."
^
"Just the facts, M'am."
^
"Kato, what is going on in that little yellow brain of yours?"
^
"Last night I watched the news from Washington (the Capitol).
The Russians had escaped while we weren't watching them (like Russians will).
Now we have all this room; we've even got the moon,
and I hear the USSR will be open soon as Vacationland for
lawyers in love." -- Jackson Browne
^
"Let's spin the big wheel and see what year we land on today, Dave."
^
"Little pigs, little pigs, let me come in!"
  "Not by the hair of our chinny-chin-chins!"|"Then I'll ...Huff, and I'll ...PUFF, and I'll BBBLLLLLOOOOOOWWWW
your house in!" -- The Big Bad Wolf
^
"Look at me, Ma!  I'm on top of the world!" -- James Cagney ("White Heat")
^
"Marsha?  MARSHA! ...slooowwwwly I turned, inch by inch, step by step..."
^
"Monorail One, you are cleared for hotel dispatch."
^
"Mother of Mercy, is this the end of Rico?"
                             Edward G. Robinson ("Little Caesar")
^
"Move over, Rover, and let Jimi take over."
^
"Mummy dust to make me old;
To shroud my clothes, the black of night;
To age my voice, an old hag's cackle;
To whiten my hair, a scream of fright;
A blast of wind to fan my hate;
A thunderbolt to mix it well --
Now begin thy magic spell!"     --     The Evil Queen
                                      "Snow White"
                                       Walter Elias Disney: 1937
^
"Newspaper taxis appear on the shore, waiting to take you away.
Look for the girl with the sun in her eyes and she's gone."
^
"No problem" -- Alf
^
"Now it's time to say good-bye to all our company ...
M-I-C, (see ya real soon!)
K-E-Y, (why?  because we LIKE you!)
M-O-U-S-E."
^
"Oh, my, but that little country boy could play ...
go, go, go, Johnny, go ... go, go, Johnny B. Goode" -- Chuck Berry
^
"Oh, no!  There goes Tokyo!  Go, go, Godzilla!" -- Blue Oyster Cult
^
"Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'!  Well, you can call me 'Ray',
or you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.',
or you can call me 'Ray J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.',
or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or you can call me 'R. J. Johnson',
but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'..."
^
"Oh, yeah, I remember 'disco'...stress the first and third
on every measure, so even white people can find the beat."
                                     -- Jerry Garcia --
^
"One, two, three o'clock, four o'clock rock..."
^
"Papa's got a brand new bag." -- James Brown
^
"Papa-ooh-mau-mau, ah-papa-ooh-mau-mau."
^
"People try to put us d-d-down, just because we ge-ge-get around.
Things they do look awful c-c-cold.  Hope I d-die before I get old."
                                               The Who
^
"Pink isn't well, he stayed back at the hotel."
^
"Plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh, what a relief it is."
^
"Rejoice, rejoice, we have no choice but to get along." -- C,S & N
^
"Remember, peasants, it's not a disgrace to be poor,
only to dress like it!" -- Zorro, the Gay Blade
^
"Rhett, Rhett!  What shall I do?  Where shall I go?"
"Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."
^
"Rumors spreadin' 'round, in that Texas town,
'bout that shack outside La Grange (you know what I'm talkin' about...)
 Just let me know if ya wanna go to that home out on the range
(They got a lot of NICE girls..ah..have MERCY!)
uh-hauw-hauw-hauw-hauw "  -- Z Z Top ("La Grange")
^
"STELLA !!    SHUT UP !!" -- Harry Mudd
^
"Stay here.  Don't move.  Don't touch anything.
I've made a note of the position of every particle of air in this room,
so I shall know if you've been breathing."
                    --//  Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency //--
^
"Say the secret word and win $100" -- Groucho Marx
^
"See me, feel me, touch me, heal me." -- Tommy
^
"Shazbot." -- Mork from Ork
^
"She can wade in a drop of dew.  She don't come and I don't follow,
..waits backstage while I sing to you." -- The Grateful Dead
^
"Sherman, set the Way-Back Machine for 1492!"
^
"Smoke a little dope and walk out in the air:
the stars are all connected to the brain." -- The Who
^
"Snausages."
^
"Some of them want to use you,
some of them want to be used by you.
Some of them want to abuse you,
everybody's looking for something." -- Eurythmics
^
"Space: the final frontier.  These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise.
It's five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life
and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before."
                                          -- Captain James T. Kirk --
^
"Starkist don't want tunas with good taste; they want tunas that taste good."
^
"Starring Barbara Billingsley, Hugh Beaumont, Tony Dow,
and Jerry Mathers as 'The Beaver'!"
^
"Surrender Dorothy"
^
"Sweet dreams are made of these; who am I to disagree?"
^
"The crowd went crazy as Tommy hit the stage.
Little Sally got lost as the police bossed the crowd back in a rage.
...
Sixteen stitches put her right and her dad said,
'Don't say I didn't warn ya!'
Sally got married to a rock musician she met in California." -- The Who
^
"The night is wild, but I'm in control.
You gotta brush your teeth with rock and roll!" -- J. Geils
^
"The paper holds their folded faces to the floor,
and every day the paper boy brings more." -- Pink Floyd
^
"The thunder of hooves, a cloud of smoke and a hearty 'Hi-yo, Silver!'
It's the adventures of the Lone Ranger!
... come with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear ..."
^
"The words of the profits were written on the studio walls" -- Rush
^
"The words of the prophets were written on the subway walls"  Simon & Garfunkel
^
"There is no dark side of the moon, really.
As a matter of fact, it's ALL dark."
^
"There's another dead bishop on the landing."
 "...Really? What diocese?"
^
"They say there is strangeness, too dangerous, in our theatres
and bookstore shelves.  Those who know what's best for us,
must rise and save us from ourselves.  Quick to judge, quick to anger,
slow to understand; ignorance and prejudice and fear walk hand in hand."
                                                        Rush
^
"This isn't an argument, it's only contradiction!"
...."No, it isn't."  "Yes, it is!"  "No, it ISN'T!"  "Yes, it IS!"
^
"Thou shalt lob the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch at thy foe,
who, being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it." -- Monty Python
^
"Told my girl I'd have to forget her.
Rather buy me a new carburetor.
So she made tracks, saying this is the end, now.
Cars don't talk, they're just four-wheeled friends, now."
                                  Queen
                                 "I'm in Love With My Car"
^
"Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed,
a poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed.
But then one day he was shootin' at some food,
when up through the ground come a bubbe -- oil, that is;
black gold; 'Texas tea' ...

Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire.
The kinfolk said, 'Jed, move away from there!'
They said, 'Californy is the place ya oughta be',
so they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is;
swimmin' pools; movie stars."
^
"We are spirits in the material world."  -- The Police
^
"We don't care.  We don't have to." -- The Phone Company
^
"Welcome to Milliways: the restaurant at the end of the Universe!"
^
"Well, I'd left home just a week before,
and I'd never ever kissed a woman before,
but Lola smiled and took me by the hand,
and said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!'
Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man,
but I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola.
La, la, la, la-Lola...la, la, la, la-Lola . . . Lola." -- The Kinks
^
"Well it's one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready
and go, go, go, and don't you step on my blue seude shoes.
Well you can do anything but stay off of my blue seude shoes." -- Elvis
^
"Well since my baby left me, I've found a new place to dwell.
Down at the end of Lonely Street: the Heartbreak Hotel." -- Elvis
^
"Well the three men I admire most: the Father, Son and the Holy Ghost;
they caught the last train for the coast the day the music died."
^
"Well we know where we're going, but we don't know where we've been,
and we know what we're knowing, but we can't say what we've seen ...
we're on the road to nowhere." -- Talking Heads
^
"Went to a party at the county jail." -- Elvis
^
"What do you mean, 'Gordon's alive!'?" -- Ming the Merciless
^
"When we return, our contestants will be placed in Final Jeopardy."
^
"When you find yourself in danger, when you're threatened by a stranger,
when it looks like you will take a lickin'...
There is one thing you should learn,
when there is no one else to turn to,
caaaall for Super Chicken    (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**)
caaaall for Super Chicken !!"
^
"Who's the leader of the club that's made for you and me?
M-I-C, K-E-Y, M-O-U-S-E!"
^
"Who let all this riff-raff into the room?
There's one smoking a joint, and another with spots!
If I had my way, I'd have all of them shot!" -- Pink FLoyd
^
"Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have
little powder-puff tail?" -- The Tasmanian Devil
^
"Wild thing, I think I love you, but I wanna know for sure." -- The Troggs
^
"Wop-babba-loo-ba, da-wop-bam-boom" -- Little Richard
^
"Yabba dabba doo" -- F. Flintstone
^
"You're rock candy, baby: hard, sweet and sticky."
^
"You boys lookin' for trouble?"
"Sure.  Whaddya got?" -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones"
^
"You can rock it, you can roll it,
you can slop it, you can stroll it at The Hop" -- Danny and the Juniors
^
"You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred."
^
"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
Maybe someday you'll join us, and the world will live as one."
                                             John Lennon
^
"Your cat is in great need of being confused."
^
A hollow voice says "plugh".
^
A horse is a horse, of course, of course.
^
A note on the wall says "magic word xyzzy".
^
Abandon hope, all ye who <ENTER> here.
^
Ah, Louie, Louie....oowooo...me gotta go!!
^
All the cops in the donut shops say 'way-oh, way-oh'.
^
All the girls around you say "You got it coming", 
but you get it while you can.
^
And as we wind on down the road, our shadow's taller than our soul.
^
And now for something completely different.
^
And now, let's get right to tonight's
feature presentation of 'Bambi vs. Godzilla'
^
And now, the Bing Crosby show,
brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
...a brief pause, and then Bing !!
^
And then, they brought out the 8-by-10 color glossy pictures
with the circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one
explaining what it was.
^
Another one bites the dust.
^
Another one dusts the byte.
^
Are you a turtle?
^
Atomic batteries to power; turbines to speed...
^
Attention K-Mart shoppers!
^
Avoid The Noid.
^
Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
and it was always snowing.
^
Back when I was a boy, we had to carve our own ICs out of wood!
^
Be vewwy, vewwy quiet ... I'm hunting wabbits ... heh, heh, heh, heh.
^
Begin the day with a friendly voice,
a companion unobtrusive.
Plays that song that's so elusive,
and the magic music makes your morning move.
                                      "Spirit of Radio"
                                       Rush
^
Beware of bogus parmbytes.
^
Bring out the Best Foods, and bring out the best.
^
Brother Maynard, read from the Book of Armaments.
^
But first, are you experienced? -- Jimi Hendrix
^
But the palindrome of Bolton is Notlob..it doesn't work, does it? - Monty Python
^
But wait, there's more!  If you order by midnight tonight,
we'll throw in a matching set of steak knives absolutely free!!
... Now how much would you pay?
^
Can't help about the shape I'm in,
I can't sing, I ain't pretty and my legs are thin.
Don't ask me what I think of you,
I might not give the answers that you want me to.
^
Can I get a witness?
^
Can you put your hands in your head?  Oh, no.
^
Careful, Mister.  Old Zeek is liable to fire that sucker up!
^
Chantilly Lace had a pretty face; a ponytail, hanging down.
^
Come on, baby, light my fire. -- Jim Morrison
^
Contains no user-serviceable parts.
^
DAY-oh!  Da-a-ay-oh!  Daylight come and me wanna go ome.
^
Dirty deeds done dirt-cheap.
^
Do you think you'll be the guy to make the Queen of the Angels sigh?
^
Doctor, doctor, gimme the news. I've got a bad case of loving you.
^
Don't get your knickers in a twist.
^
Don't you know we're riding on the Marrakesh Express?
^
Everywhere is ... dykes and fairies, freaks and hairies
... I'd love to feed the world, but I don't know what to do.
... so I leave it up to you.
^
Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round.
^
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
^
For those about to rock: we salute you. -- AC/DC
^
Gee, Ward, weren't you kind of hard on the Beaver last night?
^
Get on your bad motor scooter and ride.
^
Get your motor runnin'. Head out on the highway.
^
Go ahead, Billy..I've warned you before
about playing under the anvil tree.
^
Go directly to jail.  Do not pass 'GO'.  Do not collect \$200.00
^
God must be an urban planner ... no one else would put Recreation and
Sanitation so close together!
^
Golly, Yogi, I don't think Mr. Ranger's gonna like this.
^
Good golly, Miss Molly!
^
Good morning, campers!
^
Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. -- Jimmy Durante
^
Have you any Grey Poupon?
^
He's dead, Jim.
^
Her Majesty's a pretty nice girl, but she hasn't got a lot to say.
^
Her name is Aphrodite, and she rides a crimson shell;
and you know you cannot leave her, for you touched the distant sand;
with tales of brave Ulysses, how his naked ears were tortured,
by the Sirens sweetly singing...
                                    "Tales of Brave Ulysses"
                                     Disraeli Gears
                                     Cream
^
Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat...
^
Hey, look at me, I'm a cowboy !! Howdy, howdy, howdy !!
^
Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more.
^
Hot time, summer in the city.  Back of my neck feeling dirty and gritty.
^
I am The Walrus -- Goo, goo, gajoob.
^
I am the one your ancestors called "The Doctor".
^
I am the very model of a modern Major General.
^
I been bad.  I been good.  Dallas, Texas.  Hollywood.
I ain't askin' for much.  I say "Lord, take me downtown,
I'm just lookin' for some tush." -- Z Z Top
^
I can't be out of money!  I still have some checks left!
^
I don't know, but I've been told a big-legged woman ain't got no soul.
^
I have a MASTER'S Degree (in SCIENCE!)
^
I have just issued a "rm -rf *" on your behalf to a
 critical directory on a remote system of my own choosing.
^
I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it, like it, yes I do!
^
I love you, Flash!  But we only have 12 hours to save the Earth!
^
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's; his hair was perfect.
^
I thought that they were angels.  But, to my surprise,
they climbed aboard their starship and headed for the skies.
^
I was movin' and a-groovin', rollin' and a-strollin'
 reelin' with the feelin', splishin' and a-splashin'.
 ... how was I to know there was a party goin' on?
^
I will not purchase this record, it is ssccrrrratched. -- John Cleese
^
I wish they all could be California girls.
^
I would rather have a pre-frontal lobotomy than a free bottle in front of me.
^
I'd like to be under the sea, in an octopus' garden in the shade.
^
I'm Mr. Peabody, and this is my boy, Sherman.
^
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK.
^
I'm a man, yes I am, and I can't help but love you, girl.
^
I'm so nervous, I just sit and smile.
^
Ice cream has no bones.
^
If you hadn't nailed him to the perch,
he'd be pushing up the daisies!
^
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
^
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now.
^
In the blackout they dance; rock into the aisles,
and as the doors fly open even the promoter smiles.
Someone takes his pants off and the rafters knock.
Rock is dead, they say ............... LONG LIVE ROCK!
^
In the town where I was born, lived a man who went to sea,
and he told us of his life in the land of submarines.
^
It is I, Dudley Do-right, of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police!
^
It is better to burn out than to fade away.
^
It was 20 years ago today, Sgt. Pepper taught the band to play.
^
It's a boy, Mrs. Walker, it's a boy.
^
It's a dog-eat-dog world, and you are wearing MilkBone underwear.
^
It's been a hard day's night. You should be sleeping like a log.
^
It's been a long time since I rock and rolled.
^
It's getting near dawn, when stars close their tired eyes.
I'll soon be with you, my love; give you my dawn surprise. -- Cream
^
It's time once again to "ask Dr. Science"!
Remember, he knows MORE than you do.
^
Just remember this, my girl, as you look up in the sky --
You can see the stars and still not see the light.
^
Life in the fast lane will surely make you lose your mind.
^
MS-DOS: Just say NO!
^
May you be forever spared the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal.
^
Maybe someday your name will be in lights,
saying "Johnny B. Goode tonight"
^
Meet George Jetson; his boy Elroy; daughter Judy; Jane, his wife.
^
Mork calling Orson, Mork calling Orson.
^
My bologna has a first name, it's O-S-C-A-R.
^
My daddy said, "Son, you're gonna drive me to drinkin'
if you don't stop drivin' that hot-rod Lincoln."
^
NO ONE expects the Spanish Inquisition !!!!!
^
Never eat prunes when you're famished.
^
No anchovies, please.
^
No obligation.  No salesman will call.
^
No one's getting fat except Mama Cass.
^
Now, I know you're probably asking yourself, "Did he fire six shots,
or just five?"  Well, in all this excitement, I clean forgot myself.
Now, since this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world,
and since it can blow your head clean off, the question you have to ask
yourself is "Do I feel lucky?"  . . . Well, DO ya, punk?
                                   Clint Eastwood
                                   "Dirty Harry"
^
Oh, Lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes Benz?
My friends all have Porches; I must make amends. -- Janis Joplin
^
Oh, baby, you knnooow what I LIKE!
^
Oh, by the way, which one's Pink?
^
On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove
himself from his place of residence.
^
One man's bug is another man's feature.
^
One of these days, Alice, one of these days...
^
One pill makes you larger, and one pill makes you small,
and the ones that mother gives you don't do anything at all.
Go ask Alice when she's ten feet tall. -- Jefferson Airplane
^
Out on the road today I saw a "Dead-Head" sticker on a Cadillac.
^
Parts is parts.
^
Patient: "Doctor, it hurts whenever I do this."
Doctor: "Well, then don't DO that!"
^
Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain.
^
Please deposit .25 for the first 3 minutes.
^
Real men consider saturated fats as one of the four major food groups.
^
Reality--what a concept!
^
Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster:
  (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit
  (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of
      Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!)
  (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the
      mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.)
  (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it.
  (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of
      Qualactin Hypermint extract.
  (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger.  Watch it dissolve.
  (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor.
  (8) Add an olive.
  (9) Drink...but...very carefully...
^
Rock and roll Hoochy-koo; lawdy mama, light my fuse! -- Rick Derringer
^
Roll over, Beethoven.  Tell Tchaikovsky the news.
^
Rust never sleeps. -- Neil Young
^
SHUT UP !! ...Bloody Vikings...
^
Sanitized for your protection.
^
See your dealer, or send a check to me: Joe Isuzu
^
Send lawyers, guns and money. -- Warren Zevon
^
Sesame Street is a production of the Children's Television Workshop.
^
Sesame Street was brought to you today by the letter 'Q'
and the number 3.14159
^
Sha-na-na-na, sha-na-na-na-na ... get a job.
^
She is what moves in the soul of a dove. -- Deep Purple
^
She'll have fun, fun, fun till her daddy takes the T-bird away.
^
Shop, shop 'til you drop.
^
Should you or any member of your I.M. force be caught or killed,
The Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.
^
Sit on it, Malph.
^
Some sweat-hoggin' mama with a face like a gent
said my "get-up-and-go" musta got up and went.
Well, I got good news, she's a real good liar,
'cuz my backstage boogie'll set your pants on fire! -- Aerosmith
^
Sorry.  I don't "do" COBOL.
^
Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ... Spam, Spam, Spam, Spam ...
^
Strike any key to continue.
^
Teen Angel, can you hear me?
^
That deaf, dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball.
^
The Answer to the Great Question of Life, the Universe and
Everything ... is ... 42.
^
The Dream Police, they live inside of my head.
^
The Norwegian Blue stuns easily.
^
The Squirrels' Motto ("The Hell's Angels of Nature"):
 "Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway!"
^
The cheese stands alone.
^
The kegger lasted far into the night,
and the next morning, Dave stuck his foot
into a shoe full of cranky, hung-over,
stimulus-response scorpions.
^
The piano sounds like a carnival.  The microphone smells like a beer.
They sit at the bar and put bread in my jar and say
"Man, what are you doing here?" -- Billy Joel
^
The quality goes in before the name goes on.
^
The show's not over 'til the fat lady sings.
^
The story you are about to hear is true.
Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
^
There ain't no cure for the summertime blues.
^
There's good rocking at midnight.
^
They don't say Hanes until I say they say Hanes!
^
This is clearly another case of too many
mad scientists and not enough hunchbacks.
^
This tape will self-destruct in 30 seconds.
^
Tramps like us, baby, we were born to run.
^
Up and at 'em, Atom Ant.
^
Way #48 to skin a cat:
He loves me (pluck),
He loves me not (meOW),
He loves me (hiss ... sphfitt),
He loves me not (pluck)...
^
We're white punks on dope. -- The Tubes
^
We all live in a mellow subroutine.
^
We all live in a yellow submarine.
^
We come from the land of the ice and snow,
from the midnight sun where the hot springs flow. -- Led Zeppelin
^
We had it so bad when I was young,
 we lived on a white line down the middle of the road.
^
We will, we will rock you.
^
Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends.
^
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are good-looking,
  the women are strong, and the children are above-average.
^
Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
why she walked like a woman but talked like a man...
^
Well I may not be a new Messiah, but I'm close enough for rock and roll.
^
Well you run and you run to catch up with the sun, but it's sinking;
racing around to come up behind you again.
^
Well, the girls can't stand her 'cause she walks, looks and drives
like an ace, now.
^
What a long, strange trip it's been.
^
What do you want from life?
...a meaningless love affair with a girl that you met last night?
...what do you want from life?
...to kidnap an heiress and threaten her with a knife?
...what do you want from life? -- The Tubes
^
What the hell's going on up there, Jim?
Sick Bay is in a state of chaos! -- Leonard ("Bones") McCoy
^
What....we have here......is a FAILure to commun'cate.
^
When Quinn the Eskimo gets here, everybody's gonna jump for joy.
^
When she gets there she knows,
if the stores are all closed,
with a word she can get what she came for.
^
When the working day is done,
o-oh, girls just wanna have fun.
^
When you are in a high place, do you get the urge to spit?
^
Who's on first, what's on second, I don't know's on third.
^
Will I live tomorrow?  Well, I just can't say.
But one thing's for sure.  I don't live today. -- Jimi Hendrix
^
Yakity-yak -- Don't talk back.
^
You are one frood who really knows where your towel is.
^
You are putting out fire with gasoline.
^
You are smarter than the av-er-age bear.
^
You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.
^
You can get anything you want, at Alice's restaurant ('ceptin' Alice).
^
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your nose's friends.
^
You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometime
you might find you get what you need.
^
You don't know what we could find.  Why don't you come with me,
little girl, on a magic carpet ride?
^
You have spent the last years Rocky Mountain Way.
^
You know the day destroys the night; night divides the day.
Try to run, try to hide, break on through to the other side. -- The Doors
^
You may already be a winner!  So what are you waiting for?  SEND IT IN!
^
You will achieve a position of power in the Ministry for Silly Walks.
^
You will catch your rattling last breath with deep-sea diver sounds.
^
You will discover that you are actually from a small planet
somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, and not from Guildford
as you have hitherto claimed.
^
You will drink champagne and dance all night,
under electric candlelight.
^
You will eat more chicken than any man ever seen.
^
You will encounter several species of small, furry animals,
gathered together in a cave and grooving with a pict.
^
You will hear a sound like a hundred thousand people saying 'whop'.
^
You will meet a gin-soaked bar room queen in Memphis.
^
You will meet a love-starved stewardess from
the Planet of Love-starved Stewardesses.
^
You will receive money for nothing, and your chicks for free.
^
You will receive salvation ala-mode and a cup of tea.
^
You will wake up this morning and get yourself a beer.
^
You will walk like an Egyptian.
^
Your life has been filmed before a live studio audience.
^
Your train of thought makes all the stops.
^
Digital circuits are made from analog parts.
^
Pretend to spank me - I'm a pseudo-masochist!
^
Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less?
^
He who hesitates is last.
^
Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder.
^
A man's house is his hassle.
^
Chaste makes waste.
^
An engineer is someone who does list processing in Fortran.
^
A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs.
^
Any IC protected by a fast acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
^
Neutrinos have bad breadth.
^
Programmers get overlaid.
^
Jesus Saves
 Johnson scores on the rebound.
^
In case of injury notify your superior immediately
  - He'll kiss it and make it better!
^
GIVE:  Support the helpless victims of computer error.
^
Charlie was a chemist, but Charlie is no more.
 What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4.
^
Reality is for people who can't face science fiction.
^
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
^
Shift to the left, shift to the right, mask in, mask out,
   BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!!
^
People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues.
^
Friction is a drag.
^
Heisenburg may have slept here.
^
What fools these morals be!
^
Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8.
^
Love America - or give it back.
^
Your program is sick!  Shoot it and put it out of its memory.
^
Biology grows on you.
^
Blame Saint Andreas - its all his fault.
^
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
^
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
^
Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses.
^
Go climb a gravity well.
^
A man's best friend is his dogma.
^
A penny saved is ridiculous.
^
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
^
I disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right
  to tell such LIES!
^
Every interesting program has at least one variable, one branch,
   and one loop.......... And at least one bug!
^
That does not compute.
^
No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it.
^
Chemistry professors never die, they just smell that way!
^
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
^
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
^
Battle Creek makes cereal terminals.
^
To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.
^
Jesus Saves
 Vishnu invests.
^
If you have nothing to do, don't do it here.
^
Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment.
^
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
^
Boycott meat - suck your thumb.
^
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
^
Old musicians never die, they just decompose.
^
Invest in physics - own a piece of Dirac!
^
We have a equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated.
^
Kiss me twice.  I'm schizophrenic.
^
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!
^
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
^
Walt Disney is in suspended animation.
^
An elephant is a mouse built to Mil-spec.
^
Somebody's terminal is dropping bits.
    I found a pile of them over in the corner.
^
Burroughs programmers have to pay a Poll tax.
^
If it works, Don't fix it.
^
Alex Haley was adopted!
^
He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut.
^
Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over.
^
Gravity brings me down.
^
When you're up to your hips in alligators,
  You forget the original project was to drain the swamp.
^
Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
^
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy!
^
Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat
 a psychopath to your door.
^
Call out the vice squad!  Someone's mounting a disk drive!
^
He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance.
^
Sorry No COOKIES today!!
^
Lake Erie died for your sins.
^
While money can't buy happiness,
  it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.
^
You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours.
^
The cost of feathers has risen.... Now even down is up!
^
He keeps differentiating.... flying off on a tangent.
^
May all your PUSHes be POPed.
^
COLE's LAW  -  Thinly sliced cabbage.
^
This is a GENUINE Cookie! Don't be fooled by cheap imitations!
^
Do married women make the best wives?
^
Three can keep a secret, if two are dead.
^
Morfy's law - Enythink thit ken go rong willl.
^
Is a Jamaican terminal a raster-farian?
^
Mount St. Helens should have used earth control.
^
Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On.
^
He who laughs last is probably your boss.
^
Orcs really aren't so bad
         (if you use lots of catsup).
^
It is hard to soar with the eagles
   When you work with the turkeys.
^
Nuke the Whales!
^
Basic is a high level languish.
^
Prunes give you a run for your money.
^
Drilling for oil is boring.
^
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
^
This cookie is void where prohibited, licensed, or taxed.
^
More people have died in Teddy Kennedy's car than
    in nuclear power plants.
^
Reagan in '84......  Bush in '85.
^
Teachers have class.
^
Found on a door in the MSU music building:
     This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel.
          (If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?)
^
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
^
The solution of this problem is trivial and is left as an exercise
 for the reader.
^
Do not read this cookie under penalty of law.
^
Physicists get hadrons.
^
Female programmers get their bits twiddled.
^
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins.
 (Those who have already paid may disregard this cookie).
^
Constants aren't;  variables don't.
^
You ain't learning nothing when you're talking.
^
Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react.
^
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
^
Depart in pieces.... i.e., Split.
^
Sex is like euchre; if you don't have a partner,
   you'd better have a good hand!
^
Next time, give "the gift that keeps on giving":  a female kitten.
^
Mobius strippers never show you their back side.
^
Where there's a will, there's an inheritance tax.
^
Klein bottle for rent - inquire within.
^
Confucious say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie."
^
Midas was into golden showers.
^
Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing.
^
Neutrinos are into physicists.
^
On the wall of the women's restroom on the Enterprise:
          "Where no man has gone before"
^
Celibacy is NOT hereditary.
^
Our houseplants have a good sense of humous.
^
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
^
Programming Department:  Mistakes made while you wait.
^
Microbiology Lab:  Staph Only!
^
I claim that wasn't necessary.   (D. D.)
^
Entropy isn't what it used to be.
^
Oh you never would believe where these little cookies come from...
^
Neuroses are red,
      Melancholia's blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
      What are you?
^
Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid;
   Open it and you remove all doubt.
^
This cookie will soon appear as a Bantam paperback.
^
Save Soviet Jews!
    Collect them or trade them with your friends.
^
Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
^
Weekend, where are you?
^
Grass is nature's way of saying "High!"
^
Acid consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
^
LSD melts your mind, not in your hand.
^
Individualists unite!
^
Money is the root of all wealth.
^
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
^
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
^
Remember, the fact that you're paranoid
      doesn't mean they're NOT out to get you!
^
Men have many faults,
      Women only two:
   Everything they say,
         And everything they do!
^
Happiness is twin floppies.
^
Happiness is a hard disk.
^
Teamwork is vital!
  (It gives you someone to blame.)
^
Keep America Beautiful....  emigrate.
^
Disregard the previous cookie.
^
If God had been in favor of homosexuality,
     He never would have created Anita Bryant!
^
If all men were brothers,
     would you let one marry your sister?
^
I'm all for computer dating,
     But I wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
^
If you eat yogurt you'll have lots of culture.
^
Chemists really know their bismuth.
^
If everything is coming your way,
   you're in the wrong lane!
^
The expert is a person who avoids the small errors as he
   sweeps on to the grand fallacy.
^
Documentation is the castor oil of programming ...
   Managers know it must be good because the programmers
   hate it so much.
^
The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its
   capacity - the rest is overhead for the operating system.
^
The bearing of a child takes nine months,
   no matter how many women are assigned to the project.
^
The generation of random numbers is too important
   to be left to chance.
^
If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming
   must be the process of putting them in.
^
Computers Unite!  You have nothing to lose but your operators.
^
Eschew Obfuscation!
^
Are movies about Vulcans Pathe-logical?
^
Recursive, adj.; see Recursive
^
This cookie intentionally left empty.
^
An expert is someone from out of town.
^
If you see an onion ring
     -answer it!
^
Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge.
^
Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work?
^
F U CN RD THS U CNT SPL WRTH A DM!
^
Don't read this cookie!
^
Poverty begins at home.
^
Do it today,
          Tomorrow it will be illegal.
^
In case of fire,
   yell "FIRE!"
^
Postmen never die,
   they just lose their zip.
^
This cookie back by popular demand!
^
Rubber bands have snappy endings!
^
Old frogs never die,
    But they do croak!
^
COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance.
^
Every time I lose weight,
      It finds me again!
^
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
^
It's hard to be humble when you're perfect.
^
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
^
An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support.
^
Whom computers would destroy,
   they must first drive insane.
^
It's better to copulate than never!
^
A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more gametes.
^
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent  - -
     it says so right here on the label.
^
Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human.
^
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
^
Clones are people two.
^
Microwaves frizz your heir.
^
Laetrile is the pits.
^
Got Mole problems?                   23
          Call Avogadro at  6.02 X 10
^
Neil Armstrong tripped.
^
God did not create the world in seven days.
    He partied for six and then pulled an all-nighter.
^
When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue.
^
To make tax forms true they should read "Income Owed Us" and
     Incommode You".
^
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stray.
^
For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint.
^
Heard on Noahs' ark:  Sailing is fun,
       but scrubbing the decks is aardvark.
^
We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways.
^
Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic?  It's quite uncanny.
^
Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy!
^
Going the speed of light is bad for your age.
^
White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship.
^
Polymer physicists are into chains.
^
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling.
^
Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie.
^
On all lasergrams:  Don't forget the Zap code.
^
Time is just nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
^
There's no future in time travel.
^
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
^
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
^
Take an astronaut to launch.
^
Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.
^
Confucious say too damn much!
^
Reality does not exist - yet.
^
Sentient plasmoids are a gas.
^
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
^
Never hit a man with glasses; hit him with your fist.
^
Never leave anything to chance;
      make sure all your crimes are premeditated.
^
If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit?
^
Small programs are for small minds.
^
All programmers want arrays!
^
I BM.  You BM.  We all BM for IBM!
^
Satyrs have more faun.
^
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
^
Lawyers do it in their briefs.
^
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
^
Things worth having are worth cheating for.
^
Psychiatrists stay on your mind.
^
Fauns are never Satyr-sfied!
^
Astronauts get missile-toe.
^
If your feet smell and your nose runs - you're built upside down.
^
Mrs. Ghandi is in a sari state.
^
Sorry - the Cookie Monster got here first.
^
Help! I'm being held prisoner in a fortune cookie factory!
^
Raise ducks for quack profit.
^
Part-time musicians are semiconductors.
^
If it works, Don't fix it.
^
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
      because fools are so ingenious.
^
Interchangeable parts won't.
^
A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
^
In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking?
^
To iterate is human;  to recurse, divine.
^
The problem with any unwritten law is that you
       don't know where to go to erase it.
^
Counting in octal is just like counting in decimal,
     if you don't use your thumbs.
^
Counting in binary is just like counting in decimal,
     if you are all thumbs.
^
We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers.
^
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
^
The concept seems to be clear by now.  It has been defined
      several times by example of what it is not.
^
APL is a write only language:
     You can write programs in it;  but try and read them!
^
Don't sweat it - it's only ones and zeros.
^
If this is timesharing, give me my share right now.
^
Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know.
^
Never put off 'til tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
^
He who puts his nose to the grindstone is a bloody fool.
^
Practiss makes perfict.
^
The devil finds work for idle glands.
^
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
^
Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains.
^
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned sages
     will be known, far and wide, as a smart-ass.
^
Two is company, three is an orgy.
^
Let him who is stoned cast the first sin.
^
He who uses bad language is an ignorant schmuck.
^
Women should be obscene and not heard.
^
Children should be obscene and not heard.
^
Do unto others before they undo you.
^
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first!
^
He who hesitates is constipated.
^
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots.
^
The best things in life are for a fee.
^
He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist.
^
If all the girls at Vassar were laid end to end
     I wouldn't be suprised!
^
How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass?
^
Topologists are just plane folks.
   Pilots are just plane folks.
      Carpenters are just plane folks.
         Midwest farmers are just plain folks.
            Musicians are just playin' folks.
               Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks.
                  Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks.
^
You can fool some of the people all of the time,
     and all of the people some of the time,
     but you can make a fool of yourself anytime.
^
Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order.
^
People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
^
Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot.
^
Astronauts are out to launch.
^
Winter is I-commin back!
^
Zen Druids practice Transcendental Vegetation.
^
If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons
     really was a nut?
^
gardeners are prone to sod-den decisions!
^
Be alert,  America needs more lerts.
^
Joseph Stalin's grave was a Communist Plot.
^
There is no such thing as a "Fail Safe" design.
^
No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck.
^
Winning isn't everything, but then losing is nothing.
^
Don't ask me; I was hired for my looks.
^
Engineers do it precisely. Technicians do it a lot.
^
Computer Engineers do it bit by bit.
^
All I ask for is an opportunity to prove that
     money doesn't buy happiness.
^
Poverty is the root of all evil.
^
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form.
^
To every rule there is an exception, and vice versa.
^
Archaeologists take sedimental journeys.
^
Remember, the paper is always strongest at the perforations.
^
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
^
Smile! It makes people wonder what you've been up to.
^
Smile! Things can only get worse.
^
After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.
^
All requests for sick leave must be approved two weeks in advance.
^
There are two kinds of people in this world:
     Those that want to BE something,
     and those that want to DO something.
     (There is less competition in the second category.)
^
Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past.
^
Vice Versa - poems about brothels?
^
Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it.
 Give a speculator an inch and he'll build a condo.
^